Never mind that I’m not 35 and am therefore not eligible to do so. As a potential voter for either Hillary or Trump I’m sure that you really don’t care about voting for someone who plays by the rules… so allow me to throw my hat into the ring! I am proposing to be your VP and Bill Murray will be my running mate and your future president. I haven’t talked things over with him yet, but he seems like an agreeable guy and his acting alone proves he can be just as good of a politician as anyone. I mean Trump also has zero political experience as well so clearly this is also something we don’t care about any more.
To start off, I just want to say something to our soon to be defeated opponents. Trump, you are a wonderful man for showing the absurdity and uselessness of the Republican Party, hopefully you will be the catalyst for the party to finally split. But then again, Republicans are full of awful surprises. Hillary, as a prehistoric dinosaur of a political machine, I am amazed you have survived it and are still alive (and that you haven’t transformed into the slimy reptile you have mimicked for so many years)! You really do have stamina. I cannot blame you for changing your stance on many topics as so many things have changed over your long career. At least you have a political resume and you won’t destroy our world relations. In fact I am almost positive you will be exactly the status-quo president our political machine has produced for many years. i.e. No real change, but at least you won’t take us back to the 1950s, which is apparently the decade Donald classifies as great and wants to take us back to.
Enough about them, lets get to what really matters. We need a better choice than a vanilla yogurt and a turd sandwich. While this choice is blatantly obvious… what kind of choice is it!? Why can’t we have a choice between a filet-mignon, a lobster, a delightful vegetarian dish (whatever it is you people eat), a meat and cheese platter AND then a bland vanilla yogurt and a turd sandwich? Here is what I am proposing, Bill and I will be running as a new and valid 3rd party choice. We already know that we will win so don’t worry that our campaign will only consist of social media advertising and $0 in campaigning budget. And here is why we will win. Our party is for progress. We decided to sit out of the debates because we couldn’t stand to be a part of the elementary school level logic and childish quips that the candidates fired at each other… Did they actually talk about anything real or did they just distract you with their dog and pony show in telling you all the nasty things the other had done in their past? Bill and I don’t care about that, we will not lower ourselves to their filthy level.
Instead we want to be your common sense choice. Instead of playing tired party lines, that neither candidate will actually do anything about once they are elected, we won’t waste your time in talking about issues like abortion, gun control, health care, immigration, gay rights, climate change or any of the other “hot topics.” In case you all haven’t noticed, Republicans and Democrats spend all their time talking about these things and then NEVER do anything about them once they are in office. Social changes are beyond the president, and like the democracy we live in, we control their outcomes! Not the president! Sure supreme court judges matter, but an issue only gets there once we the people have taken it there. It is up to us to cause the change, when will you all realize this? We have made great leaps and bounds forward the last few decades in social change, and Bill and I want to let you all keep doing that. One of our main presidential goals will be to cause open discussion about issues instead of relying on tired dogma and childish quips. As we aren’t forced into any particular party’s rhetoric-rich and skewed thought precesses, we hope to create policies that actually benefit people (instead of a party’s political goals) and we hope we can encourage others to think outside of the box and to keep creating a better world going forward through an open dialogue. More importantly, we hope to subtract from the entirely polarized sides the Republicans and Democrats have created and create a political party that adheres to common sense and logic. Of course this will be very difficult, and a quite the process, but we need to start somewhere, and now is the time! We want to be your guilt-free choice. We need to show all the other people who are displeased with their choices that there are a lot of us out there! If we band together now we can get the ball rolling for future elections, and eventually we will have a platform to vote for that we are excited about.
Speaking of making our voices heard, our first bill proposed will be to take voting into the 21st century. Why aren’t we able to vote from our phones yet? Why can’t I simply fill out an online ballot and email it from Colombia? There is enough technology out there to verify the voter, and with terrible voter turn out, we need to make it easier for people to vote. Instead of relying on rhetoric rich propaganda we could have an app that provides a cliff-notes break down of each and every bill, congressman and presidential candidate, of course with a link to the full document for one’s own due diligence. If people had a bias-free news source that was easily accessible, and a platform in which they could easily vote for the things they are now (finally) researching, voter turn out would go up drastically! Also it would add to a real conversation of ideas instead of only relying on severely biased media sources or zealous party logic.
The two party system is outdated and should be relegated to history books. When you really look at the political spectrum, Republicans and Democrats are next door neighbors. Everyone always thinks it will be the end of the world when the opposing party wins, and guess what… the world keeps on turning… every time. The parties are absolute experts in tugging at your heart strings and causing you to hate the other party. The whole system is based on hate, no one is excited about their candidate they only want to vote against someone who will be worse. Bill and I are calling for an end to this cycle of hate, we deserve to be excited about our candidates! As long as we have a two party system this will never happen, take a stand today! Demand more choices! And most importantly don’t get caught up in the tired political propaganda of the two party system. Throwing away your vote! Ha! Pure balderdash! This is the exact reason we have been stuck with the two party system for so long, everyone believes there is no choice except for the two horrible candidates so they take the easy road and vote for the “lesser of two evils,” what a disgusting cop out! If everyone will just write in Bill Murray and Elias Pfeifer, we can make a difference this year! Just imagine if 10% of the country voted for us simply because we are the party that wants to show the voice of people who “threw away their vote,” then people will realize, there is hope to end the two party system and we can start building a better system immediately.
I realize politics are difficult, it is why we all get so upset with each other so quickly on certain issues, they are complex. However, a government is necessary and we truly do have a great one. The United States is an amazing country and we have a lot to be thankful for, but we can always be better. If we are all so disgusted with the system, let’s start changing it. If you aren’t really interested in change or progress, keep voting the “lesser of two evils,” keep the status-quo going, keep this intense disgust and heart burn-inducing time of year surrounding elections going for decades to come! Bill and I are for progress, are you?
Thank you to the lovely and talented Sienna Wells for the fantastic photoshop, I know, sadly this photo isn’t really me and Mr. Murray. For more great work from her have a look at https://ello.co/indie_stones
One thought on “Enough is Enough: I’m running for Vice President of the United States of America”
Thanks Elias. Somehow I knew it would come to this.